Serving women who are often abused in the system is a privilege and an honor. My goal for each woman who leaves my class – no matter how young she may be – is that they would feel confident, equipped, and ready to make adult decisions reflecting the adult nature of their responsibilities as mothers.

One of my goals for the year 2012 is to take the Teen Educator training through CAPPA, in order to be even better equipped myself to minister to this under-served population of young women.

I can’t wait to have enough saved up to get started!

I’m hoping to share more of my 2012 goals by the end of this month, but I’m taking my time to sort them out and pray over them carefully before I do. What are some of your goals for 2012?

Grace & Peace,
Tiffany

Under the Preparing for Birth name, I am offering classes in my personal specialty: homebirth. As a mother who has only birthed out of hospital, I feel a strong pull to equip and prepare women to birth in this non-traditional setting. Many women aren’t quite sure just what typical homebirth looks like, or how to prepare well for it. I aim to fill in that gap, and supplement the education your midwife is probably already doing with you.

The home birth preparation class is based in the evidence of healthy birth practices using a variety of techniques and tools for successful real life application by class participants.

• Connect more deeply with your labor partner(s) and baby.
• Learn how your body works and why during pregnancy through postpartum.
• Understand how you and baby labor, birth and bond together.
• Utilize tried and true techniques.
• Be encouraged and grow in confidence for the entire process.
• Practice role-playing of common scenarios.
• Solidify your birth and parenting philosophies.
• Sharpen communication and consumer skills for real life application.
• Gain strategies and techniques for the postpartum period.
• Apply knowledge and information into life skills.

View the complete class outline HERE.

Tuesday Evening Homebirth Prep 4-week Series

• February 7th-28th
• April 3rd-24th
• June 5th-26th

What does it cost?

• Homebirth Prep Class: $100
• Homebirth Prep Class (military): $85
• Homebirth Prep Class (community discount): $60
• Ask about other options when you call.

Call or email me now to reserve your spot:
tiffany@prepforbirth.com
791-432-9712

Or register and pay online HERE.

I am also volunteering my childbirth education services at the Colorado Springs Pregnancy Center.

Grace & Peace,
Tiffany Miller CLD, CCCE

What are doing this year to make sure you can be the mother you desire to be? I am exercising, eating right, and getting up early in the morning to spend time with the God I love, and to have some coffee before the kiddos get up.

Grace & Peace,
Tiffany

There is a misconception I have noticed among the general population in regards to birth professionals who advocate for the kind of birth outlined in the above photo. How surprised they are when they learn that doulas, childbirth educators, and midwives are actually all for advances in technology and care. We just desire that practice be driven by evidence, not by the shiny new toy.

Let me explain.

I think part of the misunderstanding lies in the belief that because birth professionals outside the medical profession unapologetically share what is scientifically verifiable to be the healthiest norms for mothers and babies, that we are therefore against hospitals/technology, etc. Nothing could be further from the truth!

Speaking for many like myself, what we really desire are two things: 1) True cooperation between hospitals, doctors, and midwives, so that women and their babies get the best, individualized care, and 2) Practices based on the most scientifically sound evidence, rather than the shiniest new toy or convenience for the care provider, or any other reason than the medically verifiable health and well-being of the mother-baby dyad.

Cooperation between the medical establishment and midwifery care isn’t an either-or proposition. Advocating for normal childbirth does not equal opposition to hospitals and all they offer.

Normal birth and all that it implies is a truth with a solid foundation of evidence – nothing more, nothing less. It is not a commentary on any individual woman’s story. It is not a value judgment on the choices made by any woman. Every birth experience is valid, and has inherent value. Every birth is still a miracle. Birth is always sacred and special , no matter how the precious little ones make their appearance.

Every birth is ours, as women, to own and learn from. The planned cesarean is no less valid than the natural home birth so many birth professionals support and love.

Information shared about normal birth is what it is: statements of fact, backed up by evidence, and fueled by an undeniable passion for helping women empower themselves to make truly informed decisions regarding the care of themselves and their babies.

A passion to change the world.

To change the world through loving women and their families, and building bridges of communication between women and their chosen care provider. If we can do those two things, the rest will follow so much more easily than if we tried to force it.

To accomplish the change we are advocating for, we need to speak. Out loud. About unpleasant, but truthful subjects.

And we need to do it all through the filter of love and compassion.

I encourage you to take our words to heart if you can. If it’s too painful – speak out. Find out why it hurts so much to hear about another beautiful home birth. You matter. Your voice matters.

Tiffany

I did the CIO thing with my oldest. I “flexibly scheduled” his feedings. If he was crying, and I noted that he was dry, clean, full, and well-rested, I let him cry. Sometimes, it took up to an hour before he would “self-soothe,” while I became more and more callous to his baby whimpers.

No wonder he was nearly diagnosed with failure-to-thrive at six months old, and I was told to wean him, feed him formula, and fry his Cheerios in butter to fatten him up. I had lost my ability to really gauge his needs, because I ignored his signals.

He is now eight years old, and a perfect example of what is so very wrong with letting young babies “cry it out.”

Thankfully, I was better educated before I had my subsequent three children. Oh! the difference! I cannot begin to describe it. I hesitate to write much more, because I don’t want to violate the privacy of my children, but I share because this message is too important not to.

My oldest son is an outgoing, independent kid. He’s smart, an advanced reader, active, and imaginative. He laughs easily, especially at farts, and longs for adventure. He is affectionate and verbal, seeking hugs and giving out “I love you’s” as though there were no tomorrow. I love him deeply, and am so proud of the young man he will grow to be.

Yet, there is something missing in him. The areas in which CIO children struggle most with–even long-term–are empathy and stress response. Two key areas my son has deeply-rooted issues with, that I can trace back to the first time I let him CIO at two weeks old.

These issues are manifest in several ways.

It takes next to nothing to completely set him off, revealing bitterness, anger, fear of failure, and a sense of helplessness. (Really, it’s a “learned helplessness.”) When he is even mildly distressed, he cannot handle it. He believes himself alone, with all the world against him. He cannot control himself at all. All my efforts to teach him to breathe, pray, and calm down feel as though they are to no avail.

He cannot sympathize with other children without great effort and coaching. He quickly gets aggressive–usually verbally aggressive, but he occasionally gets physical–when he feels wronged or slighted. If I ask how he would feel if so-an-so did the same thing to him, he has the same answer every time: “Sad.”

He struggles to express what’s going on inside. He doesn’t think his opinion matters.

He almost never asks for help with anything, because it was ingrained in him that his mother would not help him if he cried out for her. He will drive himself into a flurry of frustration, trying to do things on his own, that I am more than willing to help with. It doesn’t sink in when I tell him that I want to help him; that I’m there for him, no matter what. That all he has to do is ask, and I will respond. Deep down, he doesn’t believe me. His infant brain was hard-wired to understand that I wasn’t there when he needed me as a tiny baby crying for comfort.

I was often in the next room, crying it out myself, or with music up loud enough that I couldn’t hear him.

Occasionally, I have glimpses of hope when he tries to confide in me. On the rare occasions he wants to talk to me, I do my best to listen, and let him know I love him. That I’m a safe place for him to land.

As the articles I will link at the end of this post outline, CIO damages areas of the brain specifically related to empathy and stress response. The two key areas my oldest son struggles with deeply. So deeply at this point, that I’m researching affordable therapy for him.

Yes, therapy.

There is only so much I can do as a mother, and I really am doing all I can to make up for lost ground.

And I share this story hesitatingly, knowing that I am exposing myself to judgment.

I don’t care as much about that any more. The truth is more important.

If I can save one baby from being forced to cry it out – I will be satisfied.

To me, picking up a crying baby and responding to him is an act of love, respect, and common decency toward a fellow human being. How could it be otherwise? We would do no less for our adult friends. Why do we expect our babies to soothe themselves when we can rarely do it for ourselves without a trusted shoulder or a kind ear? It just doesn’t make sense.

I learned from my mistakes, and my other children do not have these struggles. I know, without doubt, that the difference between them and their older brother stems from more than personality or gender differences. I know, as the mother of these four precious beings, how much power I really do have to shape their lives when they are small. I have learned to appreciate and use that power more wisely than I did with my eldest.

The more information I take in from evidence-based resources, and the more I combine that with the heart instincts I was given as a mother, the more I know that what I share here is true. That CIO methods of infant care are no kind of care at all. It is dangerous physically, mentally, and emotionally–in the long-term–for babies. Period.

I hope that those who read this will take advantage of this opportunity to learn from my mistakes, and do things differently. It’s not to late to start responding to your child’s legitimate needs for comfort.

This is the sole reason I share here.

Grace & Peace,
Tiffany Miller, CLD, CCCE

And just for good measure, here is a panorama of good reading on the subject: Sleep Training: A Review of Research This is one of the newest articles out, if you prefer a quick summary: Dangers of Crying it Out

I meet women where they are, not where I think they should be. Often, not even where she thinks she should be. Ask any mother, and she can give you a whole laundry list of things she thinks she can do better. Her mind is filled with “if only’s.” Part of my job is to encourage her to grow and change in ways that will benefit both her and her baby.

However, I’m not the one walking her journey. I’m just with her for a relatively short period of that journey. I get glimpses and snapshots of her and her life, not the big picture. I do not have the power to make decisions for her, and even if I did, how can I really know, at the deepest levels, what is truly right for her and her family?

In pregnancy, labor, and birth, there is not a definitive “right” and “wrong” for many decisions that come up. There are things that are good, things that are better, and there are things that are usually best, but even those can be subjective. There are no guarantees.

So, as an example, take a smoking mother.

We all know that smoking is harmful to anyone, and there is no known “safe” level for nicotine in an unborn baby. We all know that it’s wise to quit when we are carrying a child. Of course, we would love nothing more than to see her totally quit the habit, for her health and for her baby’s. However, we also know how horribly difficult it can be to cut off a nicotine addiction.

How horrified are we when we see an obviously pregnant woman smoking? How much do we look down on her poor choices, and feel a righteous indignation that “we would never do something so terrible!

What we are missing is the other side of that coin.

How do we know, on the surface, that this isn’t the first cigarette she’s had in weeks? How do we know she’s not working her butt off to quit, but is struggling just like anyone else? How do we know she’s not eating really healthy foods, staying hydrated, and doing mild workouts to stay as healthy as she can?

When will we get to the point when we realize that something is better than nothing.

If that woman were my client, I would assume she knows the dangers of cigarettes to her unborn child. I would assume she feels badly enough about smoking as it is, and that what she needs from me is encouragement to do what she can with what she has at that moment, just like the rest of humanity.

I would remind her that everything she is able to do well, is enough. That something is always better than nothing. That smoking one less cigarette everyday does make a difference, and shows that she is trying.

Even if I did know exactly what would be right for this mother, should that change the way I see her as a human being? May it never be!

As a doula and childbirth educator, I have come to realize that I might be the only person this woman ever meets who does not look down on her. Who treats her with respect and dignity. Who believes in her ability to make good choices for herself and her baby. Who will cheer her on and encourage her in every effort she is able to make, and will ultimately help her to empower herself to continue in her personal growth beyond the ending of our professional relationship.

It’s a valuable lesson I think all individuals would do well to learn. To look beyond what is seen, to the heart, whenever we can. And, when we can’t, to leave well enough alone and refrain from judgment. It’s one I am grateful to have learned early on in this birth career of mine.

This posts is an offshoot from a seed planted by my mentor and friend, Desirre Andrews, who has taught me to think outside the box more than anyone else I know.

Grace & Peace,
Tiffany

In bookstores, online, and among local communities, we have available to us countless offerings of formulaic “If you parent OUR way, your progeny will grow up full of awesome! No, really. Trust us!”

I call B.S.

There is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all method to every child. (What you’re likely thinking: “We already know that, Tiffany, what’s the point of bringing this up?”)

The point, my friends, is that there are too many people who cognitively acknowledge this fact, but do not acknowledge it by their actions or in their conversation. Or worse, use it to justify very poor parenting decisions.

“Well, if She would just take a switch to his backside once in awhile, she wouldn’t have this problem.”

“Well, if She would just wear her baby 24 hours a day, she wouldn’t have this problem.”

“Well, if She hadn’t given in to every little cry, she wouldn’t have this problem.”

“Well, if She had only breastfed longer, she wouldn’t have this problem.”

Now, I am just as guilty of this kind of statement as the next mom. It’s too easy to lapse into competition and criticism when it comes to our children and their behavior. From before they are born, to the day we die, we are judged by how our children seem to be turning out.

However, what we need to realize is that parenting is an art, not a formula.

It’s time that we truly realize a few things as Moms.

1) To be repetitive: There is no one “right” way to raise a child – no matter what anyone with any semblance of “authority” tells you. (Be especially wary of religious “methods” that claim to know “God’s way” of raising babies. The last time I checked, God doesn’t promote any particular method over another.) In other words:

“The most important thing she’d learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one.” ~Jill Churchill

2) There are no guarantees in parenting.

No, wait! I can think of at least one guarantee: Your kids will have issues. They will sometimes reflect badly on you – even if it’s only in the perception of others. And another one: They will sometimes delight and amaze you in the most unexpected moments.

Some kids who are raised in terrible, abusive environments grow up to blossom into amazingly healthy individuals. Some kids who are raised in a loving, healthy environment grow up and go to jail. That’s just reality.

Don’t get me wrong. Parenting matters. It matters a lot. All I’m saying is that we need to come down off our high horses and realize that there is more than one right way.

3) That said; there are an overwhelming number of biological bases for some types of parenting. There are biological, physiologic reasons that babies cry, want to be held a lot, and need their parents around the clock. There are reasons babies don’t read clocks, calendars, or schedules.

Aside from all philosophical and religious reasoning, there is something woven into the very creation of mothers and babies that tells us something we already know: That babies and mothers are designed to be together. A lot. That babies are adorable, soft, warm, and sweet-smelling so that we will want them close to us more often than not. To ignore that normal, instinctual response is foolish at best, and harmful at the worst.

4) There is wiggle room for various methods. Some things are arguably, measurably harmful to children. Things like yelling, hitting, disciplining in anger, ignoring legitimate needs (and yes, the need for a baby to be held is physiologically legitimate), and abuse.

However, there are just as many, if not more things that are wonderful, beneficial, and work wonders for most children. Affection, trust built on the security of relationship with both parents (when possible), safe and healthy boundaries firmly and gently enforced, natural consequences, and play, for example. And those are just a few of the core ones.

From a mother who rarely reads parenting books any more, my advice to parents consists in a few simple principles.

First, find a philosophy that offers no promises or formulas or specific “steps” to raising children. Secondly, learn to understand the basics of normal child development, starting with how birth and breastfeeding work (yes, it really starts there).

Thirdly, discard anything that gives you a negative, sometimes physical, reaction. If it makes your stomach knot up, or seems to fly in the face of your own instincts, drop it. It’s very likely not right for you or your children. Pay attention to your instincts – they were given you for a reason.

Last, but not least, find a group of like-minded parents who can support you in whatever decisions you make, and are willing to share tips and advice without dictating anything to you, or presuming they know your child as well as they know their own.

Parenting is a complicated mish-mash of instincts, emotions, and cognitive ability. To ignore any of these components would be foolish. To place undue emphasis on one of the three is just as foolish. As parents, we need all three to do a good job.

Ultimately, I’d like you to keep in mind the following quote as you raise your precious little one.

“Remember, you are not managing an inconvenience; You are raising a human being.” ~Kittie Franz

It’s one that has alternately convicted and encouraged me. Let it sink in. Evaluate yourself and how you view your role, then grow from there.

Share your favorite piece of parenting advice you’ve ever received, or your favorite parenting quote. Mine is summed up in the quote I just shared, honestly. I really want it on a plaque somewhere…

Grace & Peace,
Tiffany Miller, CLD, CCCE

When a woman hears one thing from her L&D nurse, another from the baby nurse, and still another from the lactation consultant, it is no surprise to see her and her baby battling uphill to do something that they were both designed to do. The amount and quality of training for the many professionals women encounter during the birth and postpartum period in the hospital varies widely. Then, there are the individual experiences of the women in the profession that – like it or not – color the advice they give.

It can make a woman’s head spin!

As a labor doula, I see so many women go from a sense of satisfaction in their labor and birth, to frustration and discouragement in the immediate postpartum period. One thing I hear all the time from these mothers is this very complaint: inconsistent advice. I’m there to help with initial latch, but I am always upfront that my training only extends that far, and for any issues they come across, they need to speak with a lactation professional.

I have begun sharing some basic tips with my clients before I tuck them into their bed in the Mom & Baby unit, in the hopes of mitigating this factor somewhat. I have seen some good results, but until some truly fundamental changes are made in most hospital lactation departments, these results are sadly limited. I find my role gravitating more and more to peer support and referrals to independent professionals.

In the interest of making even a small difference, I would like to share a little bit of advice I give to many mothers who are planning to breastfeed their babies. The most fundamental piece of advice I can share is this:

At the very least, request to see the same consultant throughout your hospital stay. This will help streamline the advice you’re given, as the consultant will have helped you from the first, and will be familiar with the options you and your baby have already tried.

Also, decline advice from anyone who is not from the lactation department, as you can have no guarantee of what they are basing their advice on. Smile, nod, and let them go about their business as you do what you think is best. And for heaven’s sake, don’t let them grab your boob and shove the baby’s head in! Babies don’t need that much “help.”

Take an independent (i.e. non-hospital), evidence-based breastfeeding class, if at all possible, especially if you have never breastfed before. Watch a lot of good breastfeeding videos (check out Dr. Jack Newman’s website).

You can also take a good breastfeeding book to the hospital with you, and consult it as needed while you’re there. Here are three great ones: The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, The Breastfeeding Book, or The Ultimate Breastfeeding Book of Answers.

You also may consider scheduling an appointment to meet with the head of the lactation department before you give birth, and ask about the qualifications, training, and philosophy of the consultants who work in your hospital. If possible, find one you seem to line up with in philosophy, and request to wait for her shift before getting any lactation advice in the hospital.

Consider your place of birth. Revisit the idea of an out-of-hospital birth place, especially if your hospital is not certified Baby-Friendly. I have yet to see homebirth moms struggle quite as much as their hospital counterparts, no matter how great the birth was. When moms and babies are comfortable, uninterrupted, and given support, they tend to have far fewer issues – and this does not really happen in the hospital, despite the kindness and good intentions of the hospital staff.

Side note: Most midwives have decent training and experience in breastfeeding basics, but if there is an issue beyond that, please turn to peer support you can find in La Leche League, or an IBCLC, stat!

Last, but not least – if you still feel the hospital is the best option for you: Did you know that you can opt to sign an AMA (Against Medical Advice) form, and get home early!? As long as both you and baby are healthy, you should be free to leave the hospital within several hours of giving birth, and try this breastfeeding thing at home in your own bed! I highly recommend this option if your hospital is known for anything that is not baby-friendly, especially if they make a habit of separating moms and babies in the early postpartum hours.

One last note.

When you try a new piece of advice, give it more than one feeding before you decide it’s not working. Trust your instinct – when you know, you know, but give each trick a solid try. This can be different for different circumstances, so make sure you always ask the advice-giver how soon you should see a difference.

I truly hope this has equipped you a little more thoroughly to navigate the first breastfeeding days, and to minimize the inconsistent advice you will receive. Hey – you can’t avoid it all!

Have you experienced this problem of inconsistent advice? How did you handle it? What was the impact on you and your baby, if any? Do you have any tips to offer?

Grace & Peace,
Tiffany Miller, CLD, CCCE

…is a big ol’ momma heart with soft, wise hands attached. And she knows when to reach out those hands, or when to sit on them.

…is a light-bearer. She illuminates the path ahead for birthing families, then hands over the torch, and falls into step beside them.

…is a believer: in women, in babies, in daddies and partners, in birth and all that goes with it.

…is a builder of bridges. With the bricks of understanding, compassion, and communication, a doula helps build a safe, reliable bridge over the waters of conflict between a birthing family and their care provider. She walks across that bridge with each family, confident in everyone’s ability to be kind to one another.

…is a voice of passion and reason. She speaks the truth in love, and seasons it with grace.

…is a human being, with flaws of her own. She gives the graces she desires to receive, and owns up to her mistakes, learning from each one.

…does not need to be perfect to be effective in her work – she only needs to be teachable and humble.

…is a professional, with skills and knowledge for the task at hand. She not only trusts the birthing family, she trusts herself to be what they need, when they need it.

…is a space-saving device. She protects the privacy and peace of the families she serves, and finds creative ways to help them feel at home, wherever they may be.

…[fill in the blank].

How would you describe a doula?

Grace & Peace
Tiffany Miller, CLD

How on earth am I going to narrow today’s post down to 10 things? The fact is that I must. I’m really ready for bed after a long, crazy-full day. Well, here goes nothing, and in no particular order:

#1: These sessions are jam-packed FULL of some seriously life-changing information.

#2: There have been things that I have “known,” somewhere in my gut, were true. I found out today that much of that has a biological basis, and is, in fact, TRUE. Awesome. I love that.

#3: All neural connections for the full spectrum of human emotions in an unborn baby is completed by the first week of the third trimester. In other words, the unborn child is capable of feeling anything from bliss to despair – in utero.

#4: The heart is another brain – it actually has brain cells in it. No, really.

#5: Babies feel begin to feel pain no later than twelve weeks in utero, but it’s probably earlier. However, the part of the brain that can produce analgesic effects, to help cope with pain, are not developed until much later. (I’ll have to go get the dvd of the session to double-check the age, so I won’t list it here yet. It was somewhere in toddlerhood, though.)

#6: Epigenetics are friggin’ awesome.

A few good quotes:

#7: “The foundation of emotional intelligence is emotional security.” ~Robin Grille, psychologist and author of Parenting For a Peaceful World and Heart to Heart Parenting.

#8: “Babies are not resilient, they are adaptive.” ~Bruce Perry In other words, babies don’t “bounce back,” they adapt and cope to deal with whatever comes their way in life – not always in healthy ways.

#9: “Loving eye contact is the other breastmilk.” ~Robin Grille (See #7)

#10: I haven’t danced, like I did tonight, since high school. CAPPA put together an amazing chocolate fondue party to end the night, and I hardly left the dance floor. So much good, clean fun, with women of all ages, shapes, sizes, and colors. It was a beautiful thing.

I don’t have pictures yet, since my camera battery died in my lap yesterday morning. I rue his passing. However, I have friends who promised to email me a few to share with you.

Grace & Peace,
Tiffany